The American Wastebasket Corporation Meets the Newest Environmental Challenge.

American Wastebasket Corporation scientists rise to the latest environmental challenge this week as they begin work on a new ecological scourge: Scotchgard-coated fish.

(http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-0407270348jul27,1,4603358.story) Recent reports that chemicals such as Teflon, Scotchgard, Stainmaster, and Gore-Tex — known as perfluoronated compounds — are now common in the Great Lakes, the Mediterranean Sea, and the Polar Ice Caps, dictates this new research direction for the American Wastebasket Corporation.

Although the scientific community continues to debate whether waterproof, stain-proof fish and dolphins are actually any different from regular fish, the American Wastebasket Corporation believes perfluoronated compounds in the environment cannot be good things, since we hold no patents on any of these products.

Although these chemicals appear to present a toxic threat, the aesthetic devastation could be especially harrowing: Imagine a sunset where colors simply slide from the evening sky and puddle along the horizon because of an abundance of Teflon particles in the air, or tropical birds burdened by Gore-Tex coating. Will Gore-Tex-covered polar bears move south?

That’s why it’s important to move now, to be poised for that moment when grant money becomes available to further study this problem. The American Wastebasket Corporation will be ready.

And, remember our motto: The future — Why talk about it?

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