while i realise you hunams are
fond of the power of prayer
(as a recent article crossing
my desk attests)
i feel it is only fair to
inform you that a large number
of what you term ‘miracles’
were in fact nocturnal pranks
conducted by ancient ants
who apparently forgot to
provide you with the punchline.
the fourth formicidic empire was
well known for its humor
right until it blew itself up
while trying to paint
the virgin mary’s face
on mount rushmore
with what later turned out to be
nitroglycerin-based paint.
while our historians note that written
records exist of 4th FE discussions
concerning the possibility
of a ‘killer joke’,
i personally do not think
they meant it so literally.
regardless,
as a direct result of
these morbid events
the rulers of the fifth FE started
a land grant program
and created the academy
we now know as the institute
of ant technology
(or anttech for short).
its very first task was to try to
separate historical fact from fiction—
ever the jokers, you see,
the 4th FE had delighted in writing
books full of elaborate reports of
imaginary events
such as the fantastic claim that
an invisible ant named kumblas
had created the world in
twelve days.
fortunately, our scientists
quickly developed
the appropriate methods
and it was established
early on that while the
magic burning of the
maccabee menorah
belonged to the 4th FE,
the parting of the red sea
had some other explanation.
this lesson in ant affairs may
seem trivial to you now,
but please remember it
whenever you overhear claims
about the healing
power of prayer.
sure it is always possible that kumblas
is roaming the hospital halls
but the more scientific attitude
is to ask yourself:
did any ants hear my prayer
just now?
do i know where all their
cousins are?
could an ant crossing sick aunt
sophie’s pinky toe possibly
induce a pleasant tickling
sensation?
between you and me, the
the answer is quite often
yes, yes, and yes
demonstrating that
even religion has
a Methods section
