{"id":94,"date":"2012-01-13T05:02:45","date_gmt":"2012-01-13T05:02:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/genotopia.peachpuff-wolverine-566518.hostingersite.com\/?p=94"},"modified":"2012-01-13T16:22:46","modified_gmt":"2012-01-13T16:22:46","slug":"area-man-wins-couch-potato-marathon%e2%80%94with-help-of-exercise-pill","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/scienceblog.com\/genotopia\/94\/area-man-wins-couch-potato-marathon%e2%80%94with-help-of-exercise-pill\/","title":{"rendered":"Area Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon\u2014With Help of Exercise Pill"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe more we exercise, the better able we are to burn more fat, a finding that could ultimately lead to a pill that could mimic the effects of exercise.\u201d (http:\/\/news.discovery.com\/human\/exercise-fat-calorie-burn.html<\/a>)<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Local Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon\u2014With Help of Exercise Pill<\/strong><\/h1>\n

Eugene Glutney, 27, won the first annual Avaris Pharmaceuticals Couch Potato Marathon, which occurred in living rooms across the city on Saturday, with an equivalent time of 2:13:51–a full 42 seconds faster than the winning time in last year’s conventional marathon. The race is the first such marathon in a city of this size and is part of a small but potentially lucrative trend known as “pharmacompetition.”<\/p>\n

In order to compete, “runners” had to register in July 1996, submitting their desired times to a board of judges. Only times less than four hours were accepted, a move that was criticized as elitist and exclusive by Plodder\u2019s World<\/em>, a popular website of the Slow Movement Movement. However, Avaris spokesmen said the decision was intended to foster an air of elitism and exclusivity for the race. That strategy seems to have worked. Out of 400 applications, 150 came in under the limit. Seventeen contestants submitted times of under five minutes but were disqualified for sarcasm.<\/p>\n

The 133 remaining competitors were given a prescription for Pantax, a new lifestyle drug that mimics the effects of running. They were also given a password and a url, which they could use to download a smartphone app called iRan. Unfortunately, that app is a Farsee dictionary.<\/p>\n

They were then given the url to another smartphone app called QUANTIFi. This app monitored their blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, body temperature, perspiration, state of arousal, TV viewing habits, sexual orientation, political affiliation, and calorie uptake and output, sending the data to MarketShark, a nonprofit data management and telemarketing firm with offices in New Delhi. The data were then used to determine the Thursday-night prime-time schedule for premium cable. In addition, the board of judges received an executive summary of each \u201crunner\u2019s\u201d biometrics and calorie information.<\/p>\n

On race day, the excitement was palpable. All across town, competitors sat in a comfy chair and began taking pills and monitoring their vital signs, which were sent via smartphone to the judges\u2019 table in New Delhi. The judges returned the data to the Burger King on 3rd St., where they were relayed to reporters, with a side of fries and a chocolate shake. The winner received a two-tone motorized wheelchair, donated by Sloath Motors on Magnolia Blvd.<\/p>\n

In an exclusive interview with Genotopia, Glutney said the victory was \u201ca real victory.\u201d He went on to say, \u201cFor couch potatoes everywhere.\u201d A little while later, he said, \u201cI\u2019m real happy and.\u201d Still later, he said, \u201cI hope that my Mom will.\u201d<\/p>\n

Glutney\u2019s mother, Mrs. Glutney, who owns the home where Glutney lives, said, \u201cFinish his sentences for him. He\u2019s been like that since he was 200 lbs., but of course it\u2019s much worse after such a strenuous workout.\u201d<\/p>\n

Glutney, who is 5\u20198\u201d tall and on race day weighed 427 lbs., has not moved from his Barcalounger since October, 2009. \u201cHe\u2019s been in constant training\u2014essentially 24\/7,\u201d Mrs. Glutney said. \u201cHe\u2019s very dedicated. Although it can be hard to tell when he\u2019s working out and when he\u2019s napping.\u201d Glutney\u2019s son, Dudley, 9, said, \u201cDad? Daa-ad. DAD!\u201d<\/p>\n

When Pantax was released last year, the research community hailed it as a breakthrough drug that would combat the obesity \u201cepidemic\u201d in this country. Race officials were surprised, then, when 9 out of the 10 top finishers tipped the scales at over 300 lbs.<\/p>\n

Dr. Andrew Wyre, of Stanfoo University, speculates wildly that the drug may have had unexpected side effects. \u201cPreliminary evidence suggests that compensatory homeostatic processes may be involved. These could be upregulating certain segments of the metabolome, leading to changes in the patient\u2019s sedentation index, which in turn result in avoirdupoisic variation contrary to that predicted by the Phase II clinical trials.\u201d If confirmed, these results could have no influence whatsoever on next year\u2019s race.<\/p>\n

In contrast, reliable-sounding rumors on the blog reliablesoundingrumors.com suggest that Glutney has been offered sponsorships by Dorito\u2019s, Bud Light, and La-Z-Boy\u2014a sign that, if not rectally derived, could indeed bode well for the future of the race and for Avaris.<\/p>\n

The race has proved popular among our town\u2019s citizens, non-runners and non-non-runners alike. \u201cI hated the marathon,\u201d said one spectator. \u201cWith all those orange cones and cops directing traffic, it was a mess. You couldn\u2019t drive anywhere all day. These health nuts can do what they want in the privacy of their own homes\u2014I mean, I\u2019m liberal, you know?\u2014but keep it out of the streets.\u201d<\/p>\n

In addition to improving traffic flow, the new style race has had health benefits. Last year, two people died and 17 were hospitalized as a result of participating in the marathon. This year, the only casualty was a single case of sports-induced hyper-ventilation, caused when the Ravens scored twice in three minutes during the 4th<\/sup> quarter against the Steelers.<\/p>\n

It seems certain the Couch Potato Marathon is here to stay. \u201cWe are confident that the results of this race show convincingly our dedication through research into the long, hard fight before us, and, with the medicines needed for all, health can be not just a commitment, but to the people of this great city, for everyone, until its time has come!\u201d said Frank Lustig, a wino and sometime spokesman for Avaris.<\/p>\n

Charley Weasley, of Sloath Motors, said, \u201cThis race shows the importance of physical fitness and we are a proud supporter. We hope all our citizens will see Eugene\u2019s two-toned Sloath and know that they too can achieve what he has accomplished.”<\/p>\n

The win is considered a victory for Avaris, for Sloath, and of course for Glutney.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe more we exercise, the better able we are to burn more fat, a finding that could ultimately lead to a pill that could mimic the effects of exercise.\u201d (http:\/\/news.discovery.com\/human\/exercise-fat-calorie-burn.html)   Local Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon\u2014With Help of Exercise Pill Eugene Glutney, 27, won the first annual Avaris Pharmaceuticals Couch Potato Marathon, which occurred … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[125,124,126],"class_list":["post-94","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-deadly-sins","tag-grotesque","tag-monty-python"],"yoast_head":"\nArea Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon\u2014With Help of Exercise Pill - Genotopia<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/scienceblog.com\/genotopia\/94\/area-man-wins-couch-potato-marathon\u2014with-help-of-exercise-pill\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Area Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon\u2014With Help of Exercise Pill\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cThe more we exercise, the better able we are to burn more fat, a finding that could ultimately lead to a pill that could mimic the effects of exercise.\u201d (http:\/\/news.discovery.com\/human\/exercise-fat-calorie-burn.html)   Local Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon\u2014With Help of Exercise Pill Eugene Glutney, 27, won the first annual Avaris Pharmaceuticals Couch Potato Marathon, which occurred ... 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From 1997 to 2002, he was on the history faculty at The George Washington University, where he also served as Deputy Director of the Center for History of Recent Science. The Center\u2019s director and founder was Horace Freeland Judson (The Eighth Day of Creation), who, along with John McPhee and Monty Python, Comfort considers among his biggest writing influences. Comfort\u2019s books include The Science of Human Perfection: How Genes Became the Heart of American Medicine (Yale, 2012), The Tangled Field: Barbara McClintock\u2019s Search for the Patterns of Genetic Control (Harvard, 2001), and the edited volume, The Panda\u2019s Black Box: Opening Up the Intelligent Design Debate (Johns Hopkins, 2007). In addition to scholarly articles, he has written for Natural History, the New York Times Book Review, National Public Radio, Nature, Science, New Scientist, The Believer, and other publications. 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