Summary: A surprising new study reveals that watching someone flirt with your romantic partner may actually decrease your attraction to them, contradicting common assumptions about jealousy. Using virtual reality and other experimental methods, researchers discovered that witnessing unsolicited flirting can trigger relationship-damaging defensive responses, even when partners don’t flirt back.
Journal: The Journal of Sex Research, August 22, 2024, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2024.2391105 | Reading time: 4 minutes
The Unexpected Effects of Unwanted Attention
When someone flirts with your romantic partner at a bar, your first instinct might be to feel more possessive or attracted to them. But new research published in The Journal of Sex Research suggests the opposite occurs – you may actually find yourself feeling less attracted to your partner and less invested in the relationship.
This counterintuitive finding emerged from a series of experiments conducted by researchers at Reichman University and the University of Rochester, challenging our assumptions about jealousy and attraction in established relationships.
From Bar Scene to Science Lab
The research team conducted three different experiments with people in committed relationships. In one particularly innovative approach, they used virtual reality to transport participants to a bustling bar where they could safely observe their real-life partners receiving attention from others.
The scientists also used visualization exercises and asked participants to recall past experiences with similar situations. Across all three experiments, the results consistently showed the same pattern: watching others express interest in their partner led people to feel less desire and reduce their investment in the relationship.
The Psychology Behind the Response
“The problem is, once we have established a relationship, we become concerned about something called mate poaching—the idea that a competitor might lure our partner away,” explains Harry Reis, a professor at the University of Rochester.
This fear can trigger defensive reactions designed to protect us from potential hurt. Rather than fighting to keep the relationship, people often begin emotional distancing and reducing their investment in the partnership.
Practical Implications for Relationships
The findings have direct implications for relationship dynamics. “While some might try to make their partner jealous by seeking attention from others, possibly to feel more desired or secure, our research shows this tactic often backfires,” notes Gurit Birnbaum from Reichman University. “Instead of strengthening the relationship, it can damage the very connection it aims to enhance.”
Glossary
• Mate poaching: When someone attempts to lure away another person’s romantic partner
• Defensive distancing: Emotionally pulling away to protect oneself from potential hurt
• Mate retention: Behaviors aimed at maintaining a romantic relationship
• Virtual reality (VR): Technology that creates an immersive, computer-generated environment
Reader Comprehension Quiz
1. What was the main finding of the study?
Answer: Watching others flirt with your partner decreases attraction and relationship investment
2. How many experiments did the researchers conduct?
Answer: Three experiments using different methods (visualization, virtual reality, and recall)
3. Why do people distance themselves when they see others flirt with their partner?
Answer: To protect themselves from potential hurt if their partner leaves them
4. What happens to relationship investment when partners receive attention from others?
Answer: It decreases as people engage in defensive distancing
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