The Surprising Upsides of Sharing Frustrations
Contrary to popular belief, venting about your frustrations to a friend may not actually reduce your anger. However, new research from UCLA psychologists reveals an unexpected benefit: it could make the friend you’re talking to like and support you more. This finding challenges long-held assumptions about the purpose and effects of venting in social relationships.
The study, published in Evolution and Human Behavior, explored how venting impacts social dynamics within friend groups. Lead author Jaimie Krems, an associate professor of psychology at UCLA, explains, “We didn’t have a good explanation for what venting does for us. So we tested a novel alliance view of venting — that under certain parameters, venting can make the people we vent to support us over the people we vent about.”
This research comes at a crucial time, as the U.S. Surgeon General has highlighted a growing “loneliness epidemic.” With friendship playing an increasingly important role, especially among younger generations, understanding the nuances of these relationships becomes vital.
The Fine Line Between Venting and Derogation
The researchers conducted a series of experiments where participants listened to a friend vent about various situations, including a mutual friend canceling plans at the last minute. They found that listeners tended to like the person venting more than the person being vented about – but only under specific conditions.
Crucially, the positive effects of venting disappeared when the speaker overtly derogated or showed aggression toward the target of their frustration. This suggests that venting can be an effective tool for gaining social support, precisely because it isn’t readily recognized as a competitive tactic.
“As much as people readily admit that we compete for romantic partners’ finite time and affection, people seem less willing to admit to competing for friends,” Krems notes. “But if being relatively better liked means getting better support from friends, then we should expect some friend competition, whether or not we like that it exists.”
The study also revealed that venting can backfire if listeners perceive the speaker as secretly rivalrous with the targeted friend. This delicate balance highlights the complex social calculations we make, often unconsciously, in our friendships.
Why it matters: Understanding the dynamics of venting and its impact on friendships can help people navigate social relationships more effectively. It also sheds light on how we compete for social resources in subtle ways, which could have implications for addressing loneliness and improving overall well-being.
The benefits of being better liked by friends extend beyond just feeling good. Research has shown that strong friendships are associated with improved economic mobility, health, well-being, and even longevity. In one experiment, participants who heard a friend vent were more likely to allocate resources (in this case, lottery tickets) to that friend over the person being vented about.
However, the researchers caution that venting isn’t a foolproof strategy. It can fail when those venting are perceived as aggressive, choose the wrong topic to vent about, or confide in the wrong person. The effectiveness of venting suggests that people may be deeply – if not consciously – strategic about what they share and with whom.
As we grapple with increasing rates of loneliness and social isolation, this research provides valuable insights into the complexities of friendship. “People are so lonely right now, and that puts even greater pressure on us as researchers to be honest about how friendship works,” Krems says. “As much as we want it to be all unicorns and rainbows, sometimes it’s more like a koala: cuddly but also vicious.”
This study challenges us to think more critically about our social interactions and the subtle ways we navigate our friendships. By understanding the potential benefits and pitfalls of venting, we can work towards building stronger, more supportive social networks – a crucial step in combating the loneliness epidemic and improving overall well-being.
