Despite what self-help mantras suggest, forgiving yourself is rarely as simple as “letting go.”
A new study from Flinders University reveals why some people get emotionally stuck in guilt and shame, unable to move forward even years after a painful event. Published in the journal Self and Identity, the research draws on personal stories from 80 individuals who either managed to forgive themselves or remain locked in self-condemnation. The findings show that self-forgiveness is not a one-time decision, but a deeply emotional, often nonlinear journey involving memory, identity, and moral reckoning.
Why Some People Stay Stuck in the Past
The study found that people who struggled to forgive themselves often felt as though their mistakes were still fresh, even if they had occurred decades earlier. They described mentally replaying the events, experiencing the same waves of regret, guilt, or shame, and feeling unable to move on.
“It still feels so close in my mind,” one participant shared, referencing an incident that had happened 20 years prior. For these individuals, the past didn’t just influence the present, it occupied it entirely.
What Makes Forgiveness Possible?
In contrast, people who had reached a place of self-forgiveness made an intentional shift toward the future. They didn’t erase the past. Instead, they accepted their limitations at the time and made peace with not being able to change what had happened. Many described the process as painful but ultimately freeing.
- Forgivers reported less intense guilt, even when memories resurfaced
- They focused on learning and recommitting to their values
- They acknowledged both responsibility and the limits of control
- They viewed self-forgiveness as a process, not a moment
“Self-forgiveness isn’t about just moving on or forgetting what happened,” said Professor Lydia Woodyatt, lead author and psychology professor at Flinders. “People who forgave themselves still thought of the events from time to time, but the emotions were much less intense and the event no longer controlled their life.”
When Caring Makes It Harder
One surprising discovery: people who had let down someone they deeply cared about, such as a child, parent, or friend, had the hardest time forgiving themselves. Even those who were victims of harm, not perpetrators, struggled with intense self-blame if they believed they should have seen the warning signs or acted differently.
“Sometimes guilt and shame arise even when wrong is done to us,” said Professor Woodyatt. “Our emotions point to unresolved threats to our psychological needs, like our sense of agency or our moral identity.”
Two Key Internal Conflicts
The researchers identified two psychological needs that often come into conflict during self-forgiveness:
- Agency – the desire to feel in control and competent in one’s actions
- Social-Moral Identity – the need to see oneself as a good, worthy person
Taking responsibility preserves agency, but can threaten self-worth. Blaming others may protect identity but at the cost of personal power. Many participants who could not forgive themselves vacillated between these poles, unsure how to reconcile them.
What Helps People Move On?
The difference between those who forgave and those who didn’t wasn’t in what happened to them. It was in how they processed it. Forgivers worked through their pain, sat with their discomfort, and often sought support. They reframed the event through a compassionate lens rather than trying to bury or suppress the memory.
In contrast, those stuck in self-blame often turned to avoidance strategies like distraction, overwork, or thought suppression. Some even resorted to self-punishment, believing they didn’t deserve to move on.
Why This Matters for Mental Health
Guilt and shame, when unresolved, are not just painful. They are linked to depression, anxiety, and even physical health problems. Professor Woodyatt emphasized that helping someone forgive themselves isn’t about saying, “It’s not your fault.” It’s about helping them understand where the emotions are coming from and how to restore their sense of agency and moral identity.
“Self-forgiveness is not the opposite of responsibility,” she said. “It’s a way of taking it seriously enough to grow from it.”
Clinical and Criminal Justice Implications
Co-author Dr. Melissa de Vel-Palumbo, a criminologist and psychologist at Flinders, noted that the study also has implications for rehabilitation and restorative justice. “Understanding how people process guilt and responsibility gives us insights into how to support behavioral change and personal growth,” she said.
“This research gave us a unique window into how people actually live with guilt, shame, and self-blame over time.”
Final Thought
If you’ve ever felt haunted by something you did, or didn’t do, this research may resonate. Forgiving yourself is not about forgetting or excusing. It is about integrating the past into a more compassionate sense of self. It may take time, discomfort, and support, but healing is possible.
The study, “What makes self-forgiveness so difficult (for some)? Understanding the lived experience of those stuck in self-condemnation,” was published in Self and Identity. DOI: 10.1080/15298868.2025.2513878
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